Student: "I wonder what would happen if you smoke a hotdog..."
Student: "Can you get us Starbucks if I give you money?"
Student: "But I'll give you money."
Student: "But you're white and I'm Mexican. Share your white privilege with me."
Student: Ms. Daley wanna know how to spell future? F-A-U. Wait. Shit. That's not how you spell failure.
Scene: I asked a senior student to make some copies for me (he is an office assistant during some periods).
Student: "Ms. Daley, I ran out of paper."
Me: "That's ok. I need it for next period."
Student: " OK. I need to wait to get paper."
Me: "You could go to the offside closet."
Student: "I have to wait for a teacher. She's producing milk right now."
While I was walking in the hallway, I saw J slap unknown student's booty.
Me: "You can't slap people's bootys! It's their booty, not yours!"
J: "Oh no! I'm sorry you saw that!"
Me: "Tell him you're sorry not me..."
J: "I'm sorry, student, next time I'll ask first."
Student: "Are we suppose to ask everyone if we touch a booty?"
J: *looks at own hand* "Hello! I would like to touch your booty! Is that OK? Yes?!" *slaps own booty* "Like that Ms. Daley?"
Me: "Very good."
My students called me a hipster.
For those of you who have experienced me at any point in my life, know this is hilarious.
I told them I was a hipster before a hipster was a thing.
That's how hipster I am.
1. "There are too many balls in here. Which ball do you want? Oh wait you get enough."
2. "There's sloppy toppy things going on. It sounds like this *insert sloppy toppy sounds.*
3. "Ms. Daley, you have a beautiful coconut head."
4. "Ms. Daley is a teacher, she really likes pizza. Alex is bea and he's OK"
Overheard in the English corner:
Teacher: "You need to give me your phone."
Student: "You're forcin' fam."
Teacher: "Yeah yeah I'm a force. I'm forcin'. I'm forcin' you to do work."
If someone could figure out a way for me to not hear "forcin'" again, that'd be great.
While watching Zootopia
Me: "Look! I love the bunny!"
Student 1: "Aw that's a cute bunny."
Student 2: "Naw fam, we're not watching this anymore?"
Me: "Why?? I want to watch the bunny!"
Student 2: "They're saying the bunny is cute! It's a cartoon."
Me: "Well, it is a cute wittle bunnyyyy!"
Student 3: "That bunny ain't cute. It's thick."
Me: "A thick bunny?"
Student 1: "Oh yea! That bunny is thick!"
Student 3: "Yea look at the bunny now."
Me: "I'm uncomfortable."
Student 1:"Huh I thought the bunny was taller. If she was taller she'd be better."
Whelp. I'm never watching that movie again.
Explanation: This is my advisory*. My lovely cherubs have been with me since day one. This is our Friday tradition.**
*Adivisory is like home room in the middle of the day, where I'm suppose to guide my cherubs through their schooling. In other words, advisory ends up being me masquerading as a competent adult human.
** other traditions include:
1."Wearing the blood of our enemies on Wednesdays"
2. Chicken nugget beachy days
3. The problem jar
Today I had the pleasure of witnessing what happens during a potential kidnapping of a Capri Sun.
K asked B for his Capri Sun. K was upset that he finished his quickly. B started sucking his down. K got up and ran at him from across the classroom. Seeing the imminent doom of K barreling towards him, B jumped up on his chair, hissed and waved his arms, and then threw the empty Capri Sun at K.
Two scholars were sitting on my couch. Out of nowhere, K put his arm around D. D jerked away and said, "Chil out fam." K leaned in closer and replied, " Shhhh, the more you resist, fam, the more uncomfortable it'll be."
Sometimes teaching land isn't full of rainbows and butterflies, but actually full of demon spawns that only want to cause destruction and mayhem. Usually "Mondays" bring out the demons but this week we start testing. Specifically standardized testing. Standardized testing on a Monday. It's the most wonderful time of the year (said no one ever)!
Let's set the scene: This is the first day of a five week ACT Aspire testing period. I decided to give my cherubs a little pep talk. I busted out my arsenal full of platitudes: "You can do this!", "Never give up and never surrender!", "Take the test and don't let it take you!", "It's just one day and one test! It can't measure how awesome you are!"
My lame attempt at motivating them seemed to set off the mayhem mode in their brains. Ever try reasoning with 25+ kids why they have to do something when you don't fully understand why? Maybe you have. If so, I raise my glass to you.
Here are a few exchanges that shortly followed:
Student 1: "Why do we have to do this? This is so stupid." *throws pencil*
Student 2: " You're acting too ghetto right now."
Student 3: "Ms. Daley, I can't imagine being a teacher. You must be so sick of hearing your name."
Me: *laughs then helps student 1*
Student 3: "Ms. Daley! Ms. Daley! RACHEL ELIZABETH DALEY"
Me: "One second!"
Student 3: "Fam, why won't you answer me?"
Me: "Because I'm helping Student 1."
Student 2: "You don't get paid enough for this..."
Student 1: "You should just quit."
Student 1: "This is so stupid. I hate this place."
Student 2: "Quiet your dusty whore mouth."
Student 1: "Don't call me dusty or I'll throw a lamp at your mom."
I pride myself on being funny* but sometimes I don't realize I am funny.
*I'm not funny. At all. I yell at my students to laugh at my "dad" jokes.
Me: "Crap! I need white out! Does anyone have any?"
Student: "Just use your finger."
Me: *looks at finger* *looks at paper* *places finger on paper* *picks up finger* *realizes my finger is white*
Student (who saw my realization): "Dang fam"
At least, on this day, she wrote neatly.
Scene: grammar jeopardy with a bunch of competitive 10th graders.
Me: Question for 300: what is the noun form of the word 'borrowed'?
Me: The answer is borrower.
Student: "Borrower?! That ain't a word!"
Me: "Yes it is. Sit down."
Scene: I'm reading "The Monkey's Paw" to my lovely cherubs. In the middle of the introduction of part 1, a scholar said:
"So I've been thinking. What do you actually have going for you? You're not married. You don't have a cat and you don't have kids."
I stared at them for a good 30 seconds (I've been practicing my wait time) and said, "I actually have a cat."
This is definitely first place worthy.
Based off of popular demand, I'm going to expose you to the real side of teaching; the stuff that you didn't learn in college. Of course, names of the innocent will be protected and this is my vow to keep my stories uncensored unlike the ones that have been on Facebook (insert future apology to my Mom... I swear I'm an adult and an effective educator).
I hope you enjoy and please feel free to leave your own stories here: